Trophy Mates - What Does Love Have to Do With It?

Written by Deborrah Cooper

 
My work as a relationship expert has enabled me to meet and converse with thousands of singles and dating or married couples from all over the U.S., from many different backgrounds and socioeconomic levels.  And I have to say that I have observed a disturbing trend amongst Black men over the past decade. 
These men I speak of are typically the corporate climber M.B.A./J.D./Ph.D., public figure or entrepreneur types...  Black men that do not select a mate for the richness she offers to them emotionally, but instead choose according to the attributes which are thought to be impressive to other men:

What are these attributes you ask?  This is a list of the most common, but certainly not a list which excludes other perceived  "perks" of dating a particular woman: 

• Her income
• Her figure
• Her racial heritage/ancestry
• Her material acquisitions
• Her family or social connections
• Her educational degrees (number)
• Her athletic abilities
• Her fame
• Her professional or career success

A woman's looks and perceived sexual attraction head the list.  Many Black men place high import on such attributes as blended racial heritage, skin color, eye color, and grade or length of hair.  In many instances, the closer a woman looks to being anything other than Black, the higher she may rank with many of these Brothers.

What bothers me most about men who play this game is that they are less concerned with what makes them truly happy spiritually and emotionally, instead focusing on what they think will turn other guys on or make them envious. It is as if the man's image of who he is as a man is projected by his perceived "status" acquisition of this woman on his arm or in his bed.

An unconscious Black man can play these childish games for a lifetime. It saddens me to see a man that can never relax and be himself because he must continue "fronting" for the benefit of the world he's trying so hard to impress.

Dozens of lonely single Black women that would make great partners want to know why men do this to themselves. The men I've spoken to that have come full circle on this issue shake their heads and wonder how they could have gotten so "caught up." Often the man believes himself to be truly in love with his Trophy Woman, and is shocked to find that his Trophy is only with him for the benefits he brings. When she has used him to get to the next level, or the benefits he provided are gone, so is she.

I've lost count of the number of men that have sadly told me how their Trophy Woman skyed up and left them the instant they were fired from the six figure job and no longer had money to burn. In other cases she left because the fancy car was totaled, or because the house in the hills burned to the ground in a fire. He can guarantee that she won't stick around if he becomes sick or injured and needs her time, attention or caretaking for a change! She figures that she can do better and doesn't need to be wasting her time with a man that can no longer "afford" her or keep her in the style to which she has become accustomed.

A Black man that is strong, secure and happy with himself stops playing the Trophy game early on. This man settles himself into a relationship with a fully equal partner that he can admire, respect and love an equal in outlook, values, mentality and morals.

A Black man would do better to choose for himself a woman capable of bringing a smile to his face when he is down. He should choose a woman that is supportive and encouraging. He should choose a woman with whom he can be 100% real, trust implicitly, and confidently know has his back. Black man, you should be seeking a woman with whom you can have stimulating conversation, delightful romantic encounters, and with whom you can grow together as human beings.

Many loving women are ashamed that they are not categorized as trophy mates. Maybe they don't have the degrees or the long flowing hair, green eyes or a perfect size 9 body. But they do have warm hearts full of love, quick minds, ardent sensuality, are great mothers and wonderfully supportive cheerleaders for their men.

I often have to remind these discouraged women that Trophy Mates don't have it all good. They often get abandoned, cheated on and divorced when a man wakes up and realizes he has a prize that he can remove from the shelf to show off, but that this prize is incapable of providing him with the emotional warmth and intimacy he really needs to be faithful and happy. These women are often shocked when their man leaves them for a woman he says makes him truly happy, but that she haughtily describes as being "ugly and don't look like nothin' compared to me!"

A real partner is a woman that tries hard to understand you. She knows that you love to whoop it up with your friends on Sundays with a game on the big screen and some dominoes; she doesn't get an attitude but instead makes a plate of sandwiches. She knows what you fear, what you love, what pisses you off, and what turns you on.

A real partner doesn't have her hand stuck out for money or the keys to your Lex, but instead asks you to place your hand in hers. A real partner accepts you with all your quirks, puts you in check when you get crazy, thinks you are great even when you don't have a job, and works hard with you to develop an atmosphere where respect, fairness and honest communication thrive!

Think about this fellas and what I'm trying to say here. This is definitely not one of my most eloquent articles, but it is one of the most heartfelt. I would like both the men and women that visit this site to make better choices in partners and give their relationships a chance at true success. I believe that the issue to settle in your mind guys should not be what turns other guys on or makes them jealous of you, but instead, who makes you feel really, really good about yourself.

Choosing a woman who brings out the best in you as a man and who has your back is the smartest decision you can make.